Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
