So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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