Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
