He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
