Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
