Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
