Swine flu. Run for my life!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
