So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
