yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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