The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
