I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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