After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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