So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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