Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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