know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
