I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
