Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
