my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
