hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
