just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
