I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
