what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
