I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
