I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
