At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
3 2 1 whiskey
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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