Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
