He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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