Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
