I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
