Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
