did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
