"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
