i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
