She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
