Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
my shit smells like andre
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
