In the future we'll all be gay
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
