i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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