I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
