Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
