My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
