Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
