Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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