I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
