You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
