Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
