There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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