No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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