The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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