Why are handjobs necessary in class?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
