I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
