I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
