just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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