im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
