if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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