You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
