Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize