My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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