No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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